I AM NOT NUTS!

Well I have debated on whether or not to even put this on here, cause some of you may think that I am slipping into depression again, as I did after I lost my dad. I am not, I just had a sad little conversation with Avery last night and I ended up Boo Hooing my eyes out. Now let's take into account that I had some female work done and everything has been great but I think I am a little hormonal right now. So I am gonna say that I was just a little moody okay?

So Avery and I are sitting in Craig's recliner while he is stretched out on the couch getting ready to go in and pull a week of graveyards, not the best shift to have if you know what I mean. Anyway....I am sitting in the chair and Avery is stretched out in my lap ( and for those of you who know her know that she is rather a large lap full) nevertheless I try my best to take advantage of all these little moments because I know to soon that they will be gone and just precious little memories. She looks up at me with those big beautiful blue eyes and says Mommy you wish I was still 3 don't you? And I told her that I knew she didn't understand but that I wished she was still a baby. She said why? I told her that I loved her so much and didn't want her to grow up. So we kinda toss around a few more sentences and then she does it, not even knowing that she has just opened up my mind to the very real fact that one day she will leave me and I will (not because I want to) have to leave her. She says Mommy how old will you be when I am 40? And I say 76 with a little sniff, cause I am sitting there thinking whoa 76 will I make it to 76? I mean I hope and pray that I make it to 96 but that is not very realistic. Then she comes out with how old will you be when I am 50, so now my face is getting all red and my eyes are filled to the rim with tears and my nose is running cause I am thinking 86, I may not be here.

I am not a mental case but I have heard some mothers say that they can't wait for their kids to turn 18 and get out of their house. Well I can tell you right now, I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE MOTHERS.

The very thought of missing one moment with my daughter just breaks my heart. I don't want to miss anything. NOTHING! You hear me!

And it is not because I am afraid of dying, cause I am not, I KNOW where I am going. My Father has gone before me to prepare a place for me. I know this because he told me so.

I guess when you have dealt with death close to home, I mean in any way shape or form, your own mortality becomes more significant. Or it has to me. You realize it will not be about your death but about the way it affects those you leave behind.

Sad but true life goes on.....and each day does get easier for those who are left behind.

So what I am praying for myself is that I will feel God's peace about this situation and know that he will not take me away from my loved ones until his time. I can worry about it all day every day and it is not going to change anything. When he feels my work on this earth is done he will take me home. And please don't get me wrong, I so long for the day of living in paradise with my father, it's just that I want to be here to raise my child.

I don't want someone else to do it for me.

I am sure I will get some calls on this one, but I had to get it off my mind.

I am okay!